Mental illness... A challenge

Even when life is 'okay', sadness can strike. Having comorbidities can be such a struggle.

The diagnoses that I have create serious hurdles sometimes. I have an analogy I use to try to explain it to people. It helps some understand.

BPD gives you intensity in emotions.

Bipolar gives you mood swings.

cPTSD gives you triggers.

So everything feels bigger than it should, I don't know when it's coming, and triggers can change my direction very unexpectedly.

... It's like I'm locked in a prison cell and there's a ping pong ball bouncing around as fast as it can. I can't get out of the cell and I can't stop the ball from bouncing. All I can do is attempt to shield myself from the damage it could do.

It's confining and frustrating and it can be extremely hard. I have had many moments where I wish I could change it, but I am the person writing this today because of my circumstances.

I have been hospitalized and had my meds regulated. That has helped. I've been pink-slipped when first responders -felt I may have been a danger to myself or others. I have also chosen to be hospitalized when I felt I couldn't control my actions and wasn't thinking clearly because of my emotions.

I am not okay with individuals using mental illness as an excuse for negative behavior. A diagnosis does not give you a pass on treating people the way they should be treated. I work on my habits and behaviors daily. Is it easy? Heck no!

But, in my opinion, it is my responsibility to do what I can about the symptoms that are under my control.

I feel that if I am working on those I can control that people will at least see that I'm trying to do what I can, even if I can't change everything. And a little bit of progress is still progress.

I have battled these demons for decades.

I have been blessed with people throughout the years that have supported me and helped me battle.

I have also taught myself to begin to reach out when I feel that I am about to lose control. Sometimes I have reached out to friends and they, in turn, have reached out to the authorities when they felt that it was best.

If you're out there and you're struggling there are numbers to call. There is a resources page on this website with numbers for all types of crises. I encourage you to share those numbers if you know someone that needs them, and I implore you to use them if that person is you. You can do this!