Cops.....

I haven't had a voice for the last few days, so my second episode in the blue line series was a little behind. But I just realized I needed to make a post about something that is very interesting.

When I was getting ready for this episode, which is going to be more about the mental health struggle moments.... I thought I was going to be recording an episode that I had to do with the first crew of local officers. Then I was going through getting weaned off of my medications and I realized that I wanted to do an episode that was just a few of the more prolific moments, the ones that really made the biggest impact, the ones that without, I probably wouldn't be here.

But you know for decades now, I thought that I always made friends or enemies with cops because I liked the occupation, and that each time, the attitude was because they deserved it, or the admiration was because they earned it. I mean, that's what I wanted to be when I was 8 years old. So I was talking to Nicole about some of these events, about the first interactions I had with police officers, like when I was 13 which I already spoke about on the last episode. And I realized something. It's not because I like them. And it's not because that was my dream when I was little.

I actually now am starting to believe that I have actually been extremely angry, maybe subconsciously for the most part, at the entire group, because of one huge thing.

I think I believed, in my soul, that they failed me.

Ruth tried to end my life ... A 2 month old baby. No jail, no psych hospital, no nothing. She just lost both kids.

Mr. C stole my innocence, destroyed my self-concept, and left a long-term negative impact on my self-esteem, the way I saw myself, and the way I interacted with others. That man got 6 months probation and court-ordered counseling. There wasn't anything like a sex offender registry in 1986. Do something like that to a 13-year-old now and you're going to prison for decades.

The first two people that hurt me the worst pretty much got away with it. So I tell the story about my street brother and how they didn't get away with righting a wrong, in my opinion. And later I'll tell another story where two more pieces of trash got away with it. But I have to learn that I can't be angry with an occupation, when it was a small percentage that actually dropped the ball.

The problem is I had lumped them all together. Then I had developed an unhealthy view of that first local group.

The officers here now... Now that I'm in the process of healing and in recovery, I see them for who and what they are, individually.

They aren't my enemies, but they also aren't superheroes.

Now, they definitely have made heroic moves with me (especially Officer Dave and Sgt Sams) and when they've had to be tough, they were. But they're human.

There's good, there's bad, and there's ugly.

So the Blue Line "series" is going to consist of 4 parts. The first one I already did, which is the foundation. The second will tell the most poignant mental health stories. The third and fourth will tell multiple stories over a 15 year span.... Some truths no one wants to talk about, some tips for any men and women in blue that happen to stumble across this podcast,(I really hope a few listen because the manipulation tactics and lies and behavior that was missed by dozens of cops could have put me behind bars and then maybe taken me out of that life much sooner if people would have known what they were looking at, so putting it out there MIGHT help one of them help the next me), some stories of moments that they did more for me than they even knew, and some gratitude, because without a certain few, I wouldn't be here.

They're here to do a job, not to be everybody's friend. That being said, when the right ones are on duty, the world just feels so much safer. And it is. Some of them have given me a reason to respect the blue line again. 💙